Treasured Ministries

Offering women a biblical solution for inner healing

Personal boundaries

How to Set Boundaries with Love – Like Jesus

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We’ve all been in relationships in which we look back at situations and see where a boundary could’ve been set. We can walk away feeling hurt. The problem is that the enemy tells us lies about how to set boundaries. He pulls us into a place of exhaustion, shame, guilt, and even avoidance. 

This is not where God wants us to be. He has a purpose and plan for each of us. And to discover that plan, we need to know how to set boundaries with love. 

Why Setting Boundaries Is Hard

Setting boundaries isn’t easy. Ephesians 6:12 tells us why setting boundaries is hard…

“For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.”

Satan’s lies keep us in the dark. He places condemning words on us to keep us from connecting to God’s Word. He knows that God’s Word is our guide that gives us wisdom and confidence about how to set boundaries—healthy ones that lead us into our purposes. 

Satan magnifies rejection from our pasts so that all we remember is the pain instead of the future of our God-given purposes. However, when we take our pain to God, he will use it for good!

The voice of our Almighty God bids us near so that we can step out of the darkness and into his all-encompassing light. He wants to reveal his ways of setting boundaries with love. 

When we set boundaries using God’s Word, it intercepts the condemning words of our pasts and frees us to love and live the way in which we were created. 

2 Lies About Setting Boundaries

1. You must be nice.

As little girls, we are often told to “be nice.” These words can plant seeds within our hearts that Satan begins to manipulate. Those seeds don’t produce a harvest of joy but of fear and shame—two of the enemy’s greatest tactics against our souls.  In a previous blog, What Does the Bible Say about Setting Personal Boundaries, we discovered that God’s will is not that that we are nice, but instead that we make a difference and stand in his strength and share the truth. 

2. If you say no, you are being selfish.

Have you ever thought that if something is asked of you, then you must do it? I know I have. Many women are people pleasers. We are nurturers by nature, and the enemy loves to exploit that God-given trait. So, he tells us we must say yes whenever we are asked to do something. As a result, we can run ragged and feel guilty. Jesus said, “For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light” (Matthew 11:30). He doesn’t want us to be burdened and burned out. Instead, his voice gives us renewed minds and nourished souls.

How Jesus Set Boundaries

So, how did Jesus do it? Thinking about the life of Jesus, I realized he set boundaries… with love. He had limitations. He needed nourishment—both spiritual and physical. He rested, and he was aware that some people could not be trusted. 

  • “Because of the miraculous signs Jesus did in Jerusalem at the Passover celebration, many began to trust in him. But Jesus didn’t trust them, because he knew all about people. No one needed to tell him about human nature, for he knew what was in each person’s heart.”—John 2:23-25

But he still loved. 

3 Ways Jesus Set Boundaries

1. Jesus established prayer as a priority. He understood the importance of having quiet time with the Father. He withdrew from crowds to pray, even when he was in the active ministry of teaching and healing. 

“But Jesus often withdrew to the wilderness for prayer.”—Luke 5:16

 2. Jesus taught to be confident in your “yeses” and “nos.” In Matthew 5, Jesus explained that when we sway in our yeses and nos, our characters can be questioned. Because our identity is in him, when we seek him for guidance, we can be confident in our yeses and nos. 

“’Just say a simple, “Yes, I will,” or “No, I won’t.” Anything beyond this is from the evil one.’”—Matthew 5:37

3. Jesus expected others to state their needs. In Matthew 20, Jesus’s question to the blind men was relational. He wanted to be invited into their journey. Because of his perfect love, he doesn’t force us to choose him. 

We can take this principle and apply it to our relationships. Others can ask for help and we don’t need to feel guilty for “not reading their minds.” Likewise, we can feel free to invite others into our lives and ask for support when we need it. 

“Two blind men were sitting beside the road. When they heard that Jesus was coming that way, they began shouting, ‘Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!’… When Jesus heard them, he stopped and called, ‘What do you want me to do for you?’”—Matthew 20:30, 32

There are a number of other ways Jesus set boundaries, from confronting wrong behavior (Matthew 16:23, Matthew 21:23-27) to knowing the need for rest (Hebrews 4:9-11).

What Boundaries Do You Need to Set?

There are times in our lives when boundaries need to be set. If we have been hurt, we can often say things such as, “I will never open myself up again.” Although this is a boundary, we need to ask ourselves if this is a boundary that has been set due to fear or one that comes from the Holy Spirit. 

The Bible says that the Holy Spirit “will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own but will tell you what he has heard. He will tell you about the future” (John 16:13). 

When we seek the Spirit’s guidance, he will reveal how to set boundaries and which ones should be set. 

3 Ways to Get Started Setting Boundaries

1. Prayerfully ask God to guide you in this boundary-setting journey. God’s Word reminds us that we are to examine our ways (Lamentations 3:40). Come to the feet of Jesus and honestly share what is on your heart. If you are struggling with exhaustion, or feel as though you are walking on eggshells in a relationship, you can “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you” (1 Peter 5:7). 

2. State your core identity in Christ. As you begin to set boundaries, the enemy’s words will press in, causing you to question your core identity in Christ. As the Spirit begins revealing areas for which to set boundaries, it’s equally important to record and recite your core identity in Christ. Write down scriptures that remind you that he gives you strength when you are weak. 

3. Keep connecting to the Word and record your boundaries. God is faithful. As we seek him through this journey, he will start revealing needed boundaries. But distractions often pop up, causing us to retract from our time in his Word. This is a time we must retreat into God’s presence. Write down how God is leading you to set boundaries. As you read more scripture, you’ll notice something—God will continue to connect his Word to your personal situations. 

If you want to hear more of my teaching about how to set boundaries, click HERE for my podcast Setting Boundaries: Letting Go of Being Nice to Learn How to Say No.

Discover how nourishing your heart with God’s Word will transform the way you live HERE.

What Does the Bible Say about Setting Personal Boundaries?

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Learning the intricacies of setting personal boundaries can be difficult, especially for us as women who are taught to be “nice.” But did you know God’s goal for your life is not that you are nice, but that you make a difference? When it comes to setting personal boundaries, we often mistake niceties for kindness. But we know, by Galatians 5, that kindness is one of the fruits that produce a good harvest. 

The Biblical Principle for Setting Personal Boundaries

“Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant.”—Galatians 6:7 (emphasis added)

That we reap what we sow is a biblical principle God has used throughout time. However, it can be hard to know what we are sowing. 

That’s why we are going to unpack why and how God wants us to set personal boundaries in our lives.

When we know why and how God wants us to establish boundaries, we can walk in our purpose. 

Setting Personal Boundaries Is a Challenge

We often have a people-pleasing mentality over a God-pleasing mentality. Setting personal boundaries can be difficult if we…

  • Haven’t seen boundary setting modeled for us.
  • Allow guilt to guide us, rather than God’s voice.

If you are like most women, the difficulty regarding setting personal boundaries has prevented you from walking in the fullness of your purpose. As women, we need to be on watch for areas in our lives that need God’s beautiful and protective boundaries surrounding them. 

When we place God’s gate around our souls, guarding and protecting where we spend our time and energy, and with whom, we can be all he created us to be. 

Why Do We Want God Setting Personal Boundaries for Us?

Because you matter. When you walk in the fullness of who you were created to be, there is a deep soul satisfaction that God gives you, and others will benefit too. When you surround yourself with people who lift you up, you will be able to lift up those whom God has called you to help. 

In the book of Hebrews, we are reminded to throw, or strip off, every weight that slows us down. 

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.”—Hebrews 12:1

Jesus said, “’For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light’” (Matthew 11:30). 

Here’s the key: God’s boundaries for our lives are meant to give us direction for our purpose. They keep us on his path—the path we were created to follow. This is why we want God setting personal boundaries for us!

Setting Personal Boundaries | Protecting Our Time

The way we spend our time can weigh us down. Have you ever put time and energy into areas that leave you feeling exhausted? If you take on something that isn’t your responsibility, such as another person’s happiness, you end up hindering your harvest.

Time is a seed we sow. When we say yes to things because we would feel guilty about saying no, we put the harvest at stake. 

Ask God to guide you in your “yeses.” Because when we say yes to something that he wants someone else to do or that is not our responsibility, it’s like the seed that falls on the path but isn’t in good soil—no harvest is created. 

Protect your time by following the Lord’s lead as to where you place your energy. Setting personal boundaries around your time is just as important as setting personal boundaries with the people you spend it with. 

The Bible Reminds Us…

“Teach us to realize the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom.”—Psalm 90:12

Setting Personal Boundaries | Freeing Ourselves from Guilt

In setting personal boundaries, we can free ourselves from guilt. Saying no to things that are not meant for us frees us to say yes to God. This process guides us into good soil. The good soil surrounds us with the right environment to grow—and then we begin to soar. 

If you know you struggle with setting personal boundaries, begin praying today for Jesus to reveal where and with whom you need to establish boundaries. Don’t wait until a situation arises when you know you need to say no, but end up saying yes out of guilt. 

Ask Jesus to start protecting you from the feeling of guilt. Guilt is the culprit that pulls us back. God has a life of freedom planned for you, but guilt will hinder that harvest of freedom. 

If you struggle with saying no, then look for guidance in the Holy Spirit. Jesus gave us the Spirit for this very reason—to guide us in our futures and purpose. 

The Bible Reminds Us…

“’When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own but will tell you what he has heard. He will tell you about the future.’”—John 16:13

2 Ways to Begin Setting Personal Boundaries… Today!

1. Seek the Farmer As Your Filter

Setting personal boundaries is… well, personal. Just as different plants thrive in different soils, we each have different boundaries. One of us may struggle with saying no to a friend, whereas another may struggle with saying yes to joining a small group. Either way, we need to seek the Farmer as our filter. 

We are meant to produce a harvest, so let God—our Farmer—filter what nourishes the soil we are planted in. 

2. Speak with Love and Respect

As we develop our boundary-setting skills, we can be tempted to not speak up at all or speak with judgment in our hearts.  

When we speak with words of love and respect, we are to also do it in truth (Ephesians 4:15). We can set boundaries by clarifying that it is not intended to be disrespectful, but to bring clarity. In fact, setting boundaries with respect and honesty is an act of love. 

On the flip side, if we decide a boundary is a law, not a hedge of protection that is intended to guide us in the season we are in, judgment can set in. 

Therefore, we can respectfully set a boundary by saying something such as, “Right now, in this season, God has me here. And in this season, this person or situation won’t help me produce the harvest God has for me. Maybe this will change, but this is my boundary today.”

In Conclusion…

Understand that setting personal boundaries is a skill that needs to be developed by most of us. 

As women, we are often taught to either…

  • Have no boundaries and say yes to everything we are asked to do.
  • Build a wall that creates a law in our hearts so that we won’t experience soul hurts. 

Instead, we can think of the journey of boundary setting as a daily walk with Jesus. Ask Jesus to create a fence around your life and place him at the gate. Ask him to direct you with regard to whom and what you open the gate for. 

Setting personal boundaries requires moment-by-moment choices. They are daily decisions to make with the Lord. But trust me when I say this: The closer you connect with the words of Jesus, the clearer his boundaries for your life are—and with that clarity comes your purpose. 

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